My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
