Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
