who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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