Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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