Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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