Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
