look no pants
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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