so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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