I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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