Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
