Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize