you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
