Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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