My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
