Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
