yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize