Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
