we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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