Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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