also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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