Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
