the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i out mim tonsoeep
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
