I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Randomize
