In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
