i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
