I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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