i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
