This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
