When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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