Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
