That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
