mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
