why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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