Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
