i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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