oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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