She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
