I wish life had little blips of pornography
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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