I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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