I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
