she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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