if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize