from now on my penis is your penis
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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