I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dicks are not precious.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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