She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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