I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
