So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
