A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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