Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
