She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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