we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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