they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize