just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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