he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My breasts were aching with rage.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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