Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
