come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
