I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
