I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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