Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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