Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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