Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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