And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
