Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
