He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
